Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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