dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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