Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
