my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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