Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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