i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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