You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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