We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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