My liver just broke up with me...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
