Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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