I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
