Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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