cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
