woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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