It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
