TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
