I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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