i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
