when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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