Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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