sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
