What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
