watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
