So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
