Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
