He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
