Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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