Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
