you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
