What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
