This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
