Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
