dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
