can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
