first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
