Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
