What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
