next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
