the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
