Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
