i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I want her autograph on my taint
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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