my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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