I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
