dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
