a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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