note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
