Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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