I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
