Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
