if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
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