I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
