I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We need to get me chipped asap
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
